Walking Disaster
by PixiesCanFly
Summary: Songfic. Oneshot. A song that reflects Sirius's life, from running away to falling through the veil.


**Disclaimer- **Belongs to Sum 41 and JK Rowling. Neither of whom are me. Last time I checked.

Walking Disaster

Regulus's birthday. One of the few days of the year that I could have joined the family for without anger, without hatred, at least without it being shown. Of course, now I couldn't. I hadn't seen any of them for over a year. I crossed to the radio and slammed it on, not caring what was playing. It began blaring with some old Muggle trash that James liked.

_I haven't been home for a while  
I'm sure everything's the same  
_

Well that was true. It's like they didn't even notice I'd gone. I was blasted off the tapestry, no longer a Black, and forgotten.

_Mom and Dad both in denial  
And only jokes to take the blame_

Nobody could make a joke in that house. It was one of the things that I had hated most. At least at Hogwarts everyone was always laughing. It was stifling to live without laughter.

_Sorry, Mom, but I don't miss you  
Father's no name you deserve  
_

After the way you treated me, why would I ever want to acknowledge you as my parents again? You didn't care. Ever since I was 11 and got sorted into the wrong house I was inferior to you.

_I'm just a kid with no ambitions  
Wouldn't come home for the world_

Nothing can make me go back there. I'm out now. I'm free of that world of sniping and spying and killing. I'm not a Pureblood any more, not part of that world, but part of my own.

_Never know what I've become  
The king of all that's said and done  
The forgotten son  
_  
Burnt from the tapestry, thrown from the house, banished from conversation. Not even memories of me would be allowed in there any more. I was no longer a part of the family. Well good riddance. I crossed to the window, looking out across the world.

_This city's buried in defeat  
I walk along these no-name streets  
Wave goodbye to home  
_

Grimmauld Place was never my home. My home was at Hogwarts, the first place I was accepted and loved for the person I am, not who I was supposed to be. The place that I wasn't a failure.

_As I fall..._

_At the dead-end I begin  
To burn a bridge of innocence  
_

Inncoent? No Pureblood could ever be innocent. They…we were trained to hurt, to kill, from childhood. Even I was tainted by the tar of the Purebloods.

_Satisfaction guaranteed  
A pillow-weight catastrophe  
_  
Catastophe? Hardly. My parents would be elated to be able to blast such a wayward, difficult and bothersome child from the tapestry.

_Our own mission nowhere bound  
Inhibitions underground  
_

And now I'm part of the Order of the Phoenix, fighting the Death Eaters. Fighting most of my family.

_A shallow grave I  
Have dug all by myself_

I know that they'll kill me someday. My family will not let such a disgrace survive. The only question is when, and whether I care. I don't. I'd rather live free and die young than live my life as a Pureblood killing machine.

_And now I've been gone for so long  
I can't remember who was wrong  
_

I don't remember why I left. Azkaban can do that to a person. All I know is that I couldn't have stayed there for a single moment longer without going insane. I'd rather go back to Azkaban than go back to my life as a Pureblood.

_All innocence is long gone  
I pledge allegiance to a world of disbelief  
Where I belong  
_  
I was never innocent. I know that. And now I know that I am a killer too. I have killed for the Order. Strange to think that such an action can be done in two ways, one that I will do and one that I won't.

_A walking disaster  
The son of all bastards_

That bit is true. I am the son of the worst family in the world. Without proper parents, without family, I have grown into the disaster that I live as now. On the run, a fugitive, with nothing.

_You regret you made me  
It's too late to save me  
_  
But I would rather have nothing, be nothing but be free than be another Pureblood killer, with no love and no freedom.

Grimmauld place has changed since I was last here. It's dark, dead looking. Rotting and decaying like the families that made it. I can almost hear the arguments, the shouting, the snide comments about my failures. But they're dead now so I can't be hearing them.

_As far as I can tell  
It's just voices in my head  
Am I talking to myself?  
'Cause I don't know what I just said_

Locked up in here, my old home. This is a worse prison that Azkaban ever was. If I didn't have the order here with me I'd be slowly going insane from this place. I thought I was free.

_As far as where I fell  
Maybe I'm better off dead  
Am I at the end of nowhere  
Is this as good as it gets?_

Freedom. What did I gain from freedom? Being locked back in my old prison? But I'd choose this prison and the knowledge of freedom than a similar prison without that knowledge.

_And now I've been gone for so long  
I can't remember who was wrong  
All innocence is long gone  
I pledge allegiance to a world of disbelief  
Where I belong_

_A walking disaster  
The son of all bastards  
You regret you made me  
It's too late to save me_

The insanity's set in now. I can tell. Half the noises I hear are echoes from the past. In every corner I see my parents' faces, laughing at me, mocking me. At every turn the memories of the stifled existence that I led before I knew freedom assail me. I don't know what's real any more. It's too late.

_To save me, to save me, to save me, to save me  
_

The veil gives way to my falling body, accepting the oblivion that my body was falling into, dragging me down. I'm dying, maybe already dead. Blackness invades my eyes.

_I will be home in a while  
You don't have to say a word  
I can't wait to see you smile  
Wouldn't miss it for the world  
_  
I'll see James again. And Lily. I'll see their smiles, hear their voices again. They're the family that I've lost, the family I'll meet again here. I can't wait for death to come, falling further and further, almost there.

_I will be home in a while  
You don't have to say a word  
I can't wait to see you smile  
Wouldn't miss it for the world…_

I'm free. Not a Black. Not an Order member. Not a Marauder. Not even a Godfather.

I'm Sirius.


End file.
